The panic

Ha. Me. Writing.... my feelings? This is not me, and on a public forum? It's okay no one will read it. They say "journal, it will help". So here goes. 

I'm teetering on that fine line, do I stay or do I go? In the past it's been "go". It's always been "go". I was fearless and confident. It's always been as easy as flipping a switch. I just do. I don't look back, only forward. But back then I was much younger. This time feels harder to flip the switch. I want to, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I have way more to lose this time. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually settled. Or I was until about 6 months ago. Now everything just feels up in the air. Unsettled. And not what I signed up for. And in the past, I'd see this as the sign to "go" again. 

Jezus, Why can't I even just write? I set this up like i'm trying to write a book, which is avoidance again. Just fucking focus on the feelings at hand. Give them attention rather than brushing them off. Right now, i'm pissed. I think. I'm angry. I think. I don't know what emotion it is, but I feel trapped. This isn't how i wanted my life or my relationship to go. And so I'm feeling the stirrings to just run and leave it all behind. But i'm almost 50, this isn't want I want to do at 50. I want to be settled living my best life, or at least having cool journey's with a partner I thought would always be there for journeys together. But it feel like he wants to go on a different one than me, and that makes me want to run. I know he loves me. but that doesn't seem to be enough for me. love for me is doing together, and it feels like he is choosing to do without me. Is that why I dislike the other people so much? I don't know. I really don't get along with them. Every time he talks to them I turn into my mother, reacting with extremely exaggerated expressions at everything they say. So judgmental. But i hate everything about it. But yet I have to be part of it because he is. Dammed if i do, Dammed if I don't. I can't seem to let go of it. It is making me crazy. It is making me unhappy. It is making me depressed. It is making me feel trapped. I guess this is my attempt to stay and try to deal with it. But i'm pissed that I even have to. I'm so good at turning off my emotions, but this time? this time I don't think I can, and for the first time I don't know what to do or how to process what i'm feeling. 

This is so uncharacteric of me. It feels like my brain is broken. I don't think i've every felt so out of control and unsure of what to do. If I didn't have Dewey, i'd be a mess, but i'd also probably leave. Id go somewhere new, start a new journey. But I can't do that with Dewey.  I guess i've also never had a house I needed to worry about. But I guess it's always rentable. 

This is the second time i've had this strong reaction to a meeting with them. I'm at least keeping my cool and not yelling and kicking him out. But this isn't a normal response to a meeting with people. Why does this trigger me so much? Is it just that unhealthy? I don't even know how to uncover this. I guess my toolbag just doesn't have tools in to dig deeper. I've never had to. I've never needed to. But I guess staying means i have to. Damnit.